konfessions of the Koog

I think this will be my last post for a while, I think I've lost my inspiration. The girlfriend and I may not make it. "Koog, what the hell happened?" you may ask. The answer is I'm not sure. The other night we were talking, and I broke my cardinal rule; I asked a question I didn't want to hear the answer to. I asked her if she loved me or if she was in love with me. After a pause that seemed like eternal silence, she looked at me with those eyes I know so well, and she didn't have to say a word. That eternal silence turned into an piercing tone that shattered my heart. I know, I know, Koog isn't that sensitive, but I am. After much consultation with friends and family that love us as individuals and as a couple, we come to the conclusion that it's semantics. We agree that we're better together, we love each other too much to walk away. She tells me she's happy, that she's made a mistake, all of the things I want to here, but it...

So, I’m in talking with my officemate, GZ, and she’s telling me about this wedding she must attend in April and she needs a date. This is causing her much stress, which leads to a very stressful workday for Koog. Ever since I’ve known GZ, which has been all of 4 months, she’s been looking for a companion. Now, she’s barking up the wrong tree asking me for dating advice. All of my friends are either married, too old or pervs. A select few are all of the above and I salute each and every one of you! OK, so back to GZ. She needs a date. Here are her criteria (in order of importance): 1. Must be hot. ( if you’re hot , married and pervy are fine) 2. Tall (no midgets will be considered at this time) 3. Witty (I’ve tried to tell her that I’m witty, but alas, I am too short) 4. Must have most, if not all teeth (white-ish is preferred) 5. Clothing is NOT optional (at the wedding, the after party is negotiable) If you’re interested, send an e-mail and a pic to koog.rules@gmail.com. Void wh...

So it’s 2006. My annual tradition of making and breaking New Year’s resolutions is in full swing. On New Year’s Eve, I resolved to: -Work out more (because I’m becoming increasingly porky) -Stop complaining about being coupled (when I’m secretly ecstatic about it) -Stop throwing my clothes on the floor -Clean out my closet to make more room for the Girlfriend’s stuff -Delete the myriad episodes of American Chopper from the Girlfriends TiVo -Give up “Good and Plenty” candy, cold turkey It’s the third week in January, and I have to say, I’m failing miserably on nearly all of my resolutions. I can’t even say, “I’ve tried,” because on some, I haven’t. OK, let’s do a re-cap of my status on each resolution: Work out more —this has already been broken, as I have actually worked out less in all of 2006 than I did in the last week of December 2005. Soon, I’ll need to wear my pants below my belly and exit my house sideways to make room for my girth. After that, it's plumbers crack and a...

So the holidays have arrived. This is the first christmas the Girlfriend and I are celebrating together. I'm an only child and I only have my Mom left in my immediate family. Growing up in a large Italian family, I've been blessed with many cousins (most named Anthony and Marie), but as close as we are, we're not sibs. Blending into a family is hard and being an only child makes sibling issues foreign to me. The Girlfriend, however is the eldest of three. Not 3 mixed siblings, 3 girls. Over the past nine months, I've been immersed in sibling relationships. Going to visit the Middle and her family outside of NY, going to visit the Youngest in PA. It's nice to be part of a family. Youngest and family came to our house for Thanksgiving and it was one of the best holidays of my life. Every family seems to have it's idiosynchratic ways and traditions outsiders don't understand, or will never be a full part of. My new family is not the Waltons, but their no...

Coming to terms with my life as a couple has been a little hard for me. I was a card-carrying single. No ties, no conscience, no problems. I was a field player and boy, did I play the heck out of that field. Now I find myself inextricably bound to someone else and feeling happy about it, but still holding on to that last bit of the single life: living alone. Since I last blogged, so much has happened. I left my old job, started my new one and the girl and I are living together. The first two, while jarring in their own right, were easy to acclimate to, the whole living together thing took more time. So, my new job is in consulting, (of course), and my client is 1.1 miles from the girlfriend’s house. We decided it would be a good idea for me to stay at her place during the week and we would stay at my house in the country on the weekends. To me, this was just “staying over.” One night we are talking about our situation and she blurts out the “we’re living together” comment and I ...

So, the Girlfriend and I have hit some bumps. Lately, I've been feeling a little taken for granted. I know that's a wuss thing to say, but it's true. The honeymoon is over. We don't see each other through the blissful filters and soft lighting that in the beginning made each of us look flawless. Now we're under harsh low-end department-store-like fluorescents that enhance even the most subtle blemishes and cause headaches until your eyes can adjust. In the beginning, the soft focus days, there were e-mails with things like "must do something other than think of you" and "you are always on my mind." Now, I'm lucky if I get complete sentences and a signature. I've never thought of myself as high maintenance, but maybe I am. Is it wrong to want a bit of the niceties back in our relationship? Am I wrong to want this? Am I wrong to feel shortchanged since I'm not getting it? Am I wrong to write about it publicly? I've always been ...

When I'm bored, I sometimes think of how things come to be defined. Like the word "sweet." Who decided what "sweet" was and who created the word? Does "sweet" taste different to me that it is to others? What is my threshold for "sweet" vs. "sour"? I was thinking of this as I drove to work this morning. The Girlfriend and I talked about love this morning. Where is the trip-switch for falling in love? At what point in a relationship do you really feel it? Is there a checklist of things a person has to do to be loved by the other? Is it more qualitative than quantitative? Can you make someone fall in love you? The popular answer is no, but is that really true? When we court and date and caress and compliment, isn't that making someone fall in love with you? Is love simultaneous? After all, you're both experiencing this relationship bliss at the same time, so why wouldn't love develop concurrently? Love is an emotion...

I took my dog swimming this weekend. It's strange to get so much pleasure watching him swim and play. He's truly the light of my life and makes my spirit come alive like few others can. I love him, without condition. I remember when I first got him. Actually, he was a gift from the Ex. We both agree that he was the best thing to happen to either of us. She was very supportive during the most horrible period of my life. I can't ever thank her enough for standing by me during that time. She gave so much during that time. All of it intangible. Except, of course, for my boy. Setting the Scene: I had just come off of a rough year. Cancer diagnosis, treatments, lost weight, lost hope, lost job and frankly, just plain lost. As I sit here writing and reminiscing , I have a hard time recognizing that person with the broken spirit. Mending my spirit was very difficult for me. At 25, I faced my own mortality and the fear associated with that shook me to my core. According to the do...

I've been reading CNN.com obsessively to get the latest on the disaster in NOLA, MS, AL and FLA. Seeing the images of the souls that were lost and those that are left behind fighting to survive is traumatizing even though I am lucky enough to not have any friends or family in harms way. All we can do is watch and support the men and women working to help those suffering in Katrina's wake. Please consider donating to the Red Cross to help in the rescue, recovery and rebuilding efforts. Click here to contribute: https://www.redcross.org/donate/donation-form.asp When I go home tonight I will hug my Girlfriend and my dog , smile at my neighbors, call my Mother and thank God for the roof over my head and the safety of those I love. To my loyal readers: Look around you and appreciate what you have and who you have. Hug your family, friends and pets and never forget how fragile life is.

Seven things you plan to do before you die!! 1. Own a boat 2. Go to Egypt 3. Take my Mom to Italy 4. Take my dog to the ocean 5. Make someone happy 6. Be someone's soulmate 7. Have a pool to swim in at night Seven things you can do!! 1. Play foosball 2. Say "go to your place" in German 3. Drive Fast 4. Think 5. Laugh 6. Play Frisbee with my dog 7. Play the drums and trumpet Seven things you can't do!!! 1. Dance 2. Quit my job 3. Truly express myself to the one's I love 4. Trust people easily 5. Lie to my Girlfriend 6. Clean my garage without help 7. Organize stuff Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex!! (hehe) 1. Brain 2. Sense of Humor 3. Heart 4. Lips 5. Eyes 6. Hair 7. Legs Seven things you say most!!! 1. "I'm sorry" 2. "I hate my job" 3. "I like you a whole heck-of-a-lot" 4. "How much do you need?" 5. "Bailey, NO" 6. "Bailey, I love you" 7. ...

Tonight I'm going to see the Steve Miller Band. They Rock.

OK, anyone familiar with me knows I am usually a clear headed thinker and decision maker, but lately, in my personal life, I’m a disaster. I'm so guarded I can't make rational decisions. My thought processes are clouded by fear and the decisions I make reflect my impaired visibility. So, you may ask, "Koog, why are you so foggy?" Well, for the first time in my life, I'm vulnerable. As I've mentioned before, I've met someone that I care about more deeply than I ever believed I could and have entrusted her with my heart, a part of me that has never before been so exposed to another person. In my previous relationship, my heart was not at risk in the same way. First of all, I was way too young to understand the difference between lust and love. Once I figured out that the lust + time= resentment; 12 years had passed. The Ex and I ended the relationship and started to rebuild our lives alone. Sure, I dated after the break-up and even thought I was in love once...

It's hard to leave something you've been a part of for a number of years. As soon as the decision is made to move on from something you've spent a significant amount of time building, you get nostalgic. Maybe it's not that bad? Maybe the environment will recover? No, none of these things will improve. I'm faced with this situation now. I've been with something for a few years, worked tirelessly to make it better, took it to the pinnacle, watched it nearly crumble and now need to make the hard decision to move on. Personally, I need to be challenged and this situation lent itself to that perfectly. Facing multiple, seemingly insurmountable, intellectual obstacles was fun to me. Everyday was unique. Everyone on the team was brilliant and dedicated. Each day we faced different challenges, dealt with difficult personalities, but we were all committed to a common goal: personal and professional growth with monetary rewards for all. We were pure-hearted capitalists. B...

I feel I must apologize to my adoring fans for not posting for over a week. Things in my life have been a bit hectic.

Since injuring my arm at Kayak practice in January, I've become porky. The Girlfriend blames a fast food company that shall remain McNameless, since, as I said before, I hate being sued. At one point in time, I was consuming 3 egg muffins for breakfast and 2 BigMc's (ha) and a 1/4 pound burger with cheese for dinner. The Girlfriend made me stop, not because of my waistline, but because of my cholesterol. We agreed that I would give up the Mc for good. This McAddiction is a funny thing. There are no 12 step programs, there are no McMethadone clinics and there is no McAnonymous to help us. And there are no sympathetic friends trying to help you fight your 2-all-beef-pattys,-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun demons. I believe it's been said that idle hands are the Devil's playground. Last night my buddy came over to drop off the dog I'm dog sitting for a few days and we decided to go to dinner. The evil temptress that she is, she suggeste...

Well, the Girlfriend is off on vacation. (sigh) We're still at the stage in the relationship where I will miss her. My friends that are either married or in LTR's tell me this will fade. She flew out yesterday for the first leg of her vacation. Unfortunately, it was not as smooth as she would have liked. She flew a crack airline that shall remain nameless since I hate being sued. She was supposed to leave a bit before 1pm and arrive a bit after 2. She didn't. She was chronically delayed and arrived after 5. This sucked because it was of course her first leg of her trip. She was then driving for 12 hours. She arrived at her destination safely around 5 am. When she called, I was asleep, so 5 am is an approximate time. Her situation with this airline reminds me of a funny story with my Ex. Ex was flying back home to Florida after our freshman year of college. My parents and I drove her to the airport. These were the times before we worried about terrorists, so we were able to ...

My Girlfriend's birthday is the last weekend in September. Being the anal-retentive planner that I am, I started planning the big event in June and bought her gift (the major one) on Saturday at Tiffany's. You might be asking, "Koog, why Tiffany's? That store is so sophisticated and classy and decidedly not you" Let me explain. In preparation for purchasing, I scoured the internet for the perfect gift. I looked at Celtic, platinum, custom and any other kind of jewelry you can think of. Before throwing up my hands and heading to Home Depot, I checked out Tiffany. Lo and behold, they had cool stuff at not too ridiculous prices. I looked at the site and found some rings that I thought she'd like, vetted them to my friends that have taste and was excited see them in the store. So I, along with a trusted pair of advisors (my Ex and my Neighbor) went to Tiffany's to buy for a ring for the Girlfriend. I need to bring advisors because I suck and I know it, and thi...

the much blogged about ring.

...mounting the artifacts. (hehehe)

I'm bored at work. To prevent myself from falling asleep on the desk, I decided to do some internet shopping. With the Girlfriend celebrating a birthday soon, I decided to peruse the web to find the perfect gift. I already have one gift in mind, I'm going to get it this weekend. (Sorry, no hints) But I'm looking for something a bit more romantic. While I try to be romantic, I'm not. I border on insensitive. So, since I'm trying to change my ways, I decided to let Google help me out. I entered "romantic birthday gifts" in the search engine and let'er rip. This was no help. Just a link to things she would hate. Gold roses, incense, strange jewelry and Winnie the Pooh quotes. I don't know why I'm having such trouble with this. So much pressure. It's the first birthday she's celebrating with me and if I don't do this right, it may be the last. But she's frugal so spending lots of money is not an option. (Thank God!) Doe...