OK, anyone familiar with me knows I am usually a clear headed thinker and decision maker, but lately, in my personal life, I’m a disaster. I'm so guarded I can't make rational decisions. My thought processes are clouded by fear and the decisions I make reflect my impaired visibility.
So, you may ask, "Koog, why are you so foggy?" Well, for the first time in my life, I'm vulnerable. As I've mentioned before, I've met someone that I care about more deeply than I ever believed I could and have entrusted her with my heart, a part of me that has never before been so exposed to another person.
In my previous relationship, my heart was not at risk in the same way. First of all, I was way too young to understand the difference between lust and love. Once I figured out that the lust + time= resentment; 12 years had passed. The Ex and I ended the relationship and started to rebuild our lives alone.
Sure, I dated after the break-up and even thought I was in love once, but I wasn't. I object of my affection was an emotionally unavailable woman living 3000 miles away. I knew that she would not chip away at the wall I’d built around myself. She was not a threat and when it was over (or should I say when it stalled out) I was not hurt, just disappointed that I had misjudged her for so long.
So, what does all this sappy, analytical crap have to do with the title of today's posting, “Contingency Plan?” Well, let me explain.
As you may have gathered in the previous post, I am gearing up to leave my current place of employment and move on to my own business. After much internal struggle, soul searching, arguments, conversations and the appearance of 3 new gray hairs, I decided I needed to begin the professional "break-up" and call a meeting with my boss.
During this time of angst, the Girlfriend was gone on vacation. Although she knew of the work issues prior to her departure, I tried to keep her vacation free from stress and leave her out of the day-to-day madness that had become my job. Due to travel schedules, my 0ne-on-one with the bossman had to be last week. This was my opportunity to begin the separation. Of course, I was nervous to have the conversation with him, but I had to do it PDQ to begin a transition plan.
But the Girl was gone for a few more days. I had to tell her about the decision I had come to, but how? I had gotten used to seeking her counsel on matters like this. She's so level headed. I have so much respect with her ability to asses a situation, think about possible solutions, foresee any consequence and make a decision. Read the previous post on buying the new car. She had great insight on what to buy.
It was not just her counsel I was worried about, it was her reaction to my unilateral decision. Would she think I was being irrational or impulsive? Would she want to be with someone that was taking such a risk? Would she see that this was the opportunity of a lifetime and I was thinking of our future by taking the risk now rather than later? Would she end it?
I could answer all but one of the above questions with rational answers, but that last question remained unanswerable: Would she end it? Just then the fog rolled in. How could I let myself be so vulnerable? Why did I let her have control over my heart? How did I get so exposed? I had to have a plan to protect myself, a contingency plan.
So, I came home from work and talked to my ultimate confidante, my neighbor. She and I have known each other for only a year, but she knows me better than most people. I told her about my situation and she told me not to worry about it. The Girl was better than that. She liked me a whole heck of a lot and it had nothing to do with my employment, she would support me no matter what. This girl was different; the neighbor said wisely, I need to have faith in her and in our relationship.
After listening to her sage advice and completely ignoring it, I began to formulate my contingency plan. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to contact Happy Ending.
Happy Ending and I were never in a relationship, per se, but we were seeing each other on and off for over 1.5 years. Kind of like friends with benefits, until she told me how she felt about me and the future she saw for us. I explained that I did not feel the same way about her and probably never would. We've remained friends, although we don't see each other much any more. The Girl and I ran into her a few months back. Happy Ending knew immediately this was different. She congratulated me, wished me well and has stayed away. Knowing the depth of her feelings, this was an amazingly kind and selfless act that I know I would never be capable of. She's an amazing person and has one of the purest hearts I know.
So, back to the story... In the fog of fear, I ignore my neighbor's advice, and call Happy Ending. I immediately regret doing this. She answers the phone, a moment of clarity sets in, we talk briefly and superficially. All I can talk about is the Girlfriend. I ask her to go to dinner with us next week. She sounds fine with it. We exchange goodbyes and hang-up.
My neighbor comes over to hang with me. I can't tell her that I've called Happy Ending because she'll open a can of whop-ass on me for being so stupid, so we just hang out. The Girlfriend calls and I break the news about my impending self-employment to her. She's completely unphased by the whole turn of events. She agrees that this is the right thing to do. She's incredibly supportive and full of confidence that everything will be fine. I tell her that I had a contingency plan, and I can here the confusion in her voice. She asks if she’d ever given me a reason to doubt her support, I reply “no.” And she really had never given me a reason to doubt her.
Filled with happiness, I forget that I contacted Happy Ending, until last night.
During our walk with the dog, I finally come clean about my contingency plan and explain that we may be going out to dinner with Happy Ending later this week. I can see in her eyes she’s disappointed in me for doubting her. She told me I was a loser, smiled at me and gave me the “you just got a pass” look. In a weird way,I think she understand why I do the things I do.
I always say, “Koog, it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them,” and I did learn a few valuable ones this time:
--It's ok to feel vulnerable and scared when dealing with matters of the heart
--Trust and faith in your significant other is essential
--Always listen to your Neighbor
--My Girlfriend is right, I am a loser
So, you may ask, "Koog, why are you so foggy?" Well, for the first time in my life, I'm vulnerable. As I've mentioned before, I've met someone that I care about more deeply than I ever believed I could and have entrusted her with my heart, a part of me that has never before been so exposed to another person.
In my previous relationship, my heart was not at risk in the same way. First of all, I was way too young to understand the difference between lust and love. Once I figured out that the lust + time= resentment; 12 years had passed. The Ex and I ended the relationship and started to rebuild our lives alone.
Sure, I dated after the break-up and even thought I was in love once, but I wasn't. I object of my affection was an emotionally unavailable woman living 3000 miles away. I knew that she would not chip away at the wall I’d built around myself. She was not a threat and when it was over (or should I say when it stalled out) I was not hurt, just disappointed that I had misjudged her for so long.
So, what does all this sappy, analytical crap have to do with the title of today's posting, “Contingency Plan?” Well, let me explain.
As you may have gathered in the previous post, I am gearing up to leave my current place of employment and move on to my own business. After much internal struggle, soul searching, arguments, conversations and the appearance of 3 new gray hairs, I decided I needed to begin the professional "break-up" and call a meeting with my boss.
During this time of angst, the Girlfriend was gone on vacation. Although she knew of the work issues prior to her departure, I tried to keep her vacation free from stress and leave her out of the day-to-day madness that had become my job. Due to travel schedules, my 0ne-on-one with the bossman had to be last week. This was my opportunity to begin the separation. Of course, I was nervous to have the conversation with him, but I had to do it PDQ to begin a transition plan.
But the Girl was gone for a few more days. I had to tell her about the decision I had come to, but how? I had gotten used to seeking her counsel on matters like this. She's so level headed. I have so much respect with her ability to asses a situation, think about possible solutions, foresee any consequence and make a decision. Read the previous post on buying the new car. She had great insight on what to buy.
It was not just her counsel I was worried about, it was her reaction to my unilateral decision. Would she think I was being irrational or impulsive? Would she want to be with someone that was taking such a risk? Would she see that this was the opportunity of a lifetime and I was thinking of our future by taking the risk now rather than later? Would she end it?
I could answer all but one of the above questions with rational answers, but that last question remained unanswerable: Would she end it? Just then the fog rolled in. How could I let myself be so vulnerable? Why did I let her have control over my heart? How did I get so exposed? I had to have a plan to protect myself, a contingency plan.
So, I came home from work and talked to my ultimate confidante, my neighbor. She and I have known each other for only a year, but she knows me better than most people. I told her about my situation and she told me not to worry about it. The Girl was better than that. She liked me a whole heck of a lot and it had nothing to do with my employment, she would support me no matter what. This girl was different; the neighbor said wisely, I need to have faith in her and in our relationship.
After listening to her sage advice and completely ignoring it, I began to formulate my contingency plan. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to contact Happy Ending.
Happy Ending and I were never in a relationship, per se, but we were seeing each other on and off for over 1.5 years. Kind of like friends with benefits, until she told me how she felt about me and the future she saw for us. I explained that I did not feel the same way about her and probably never would. We've remained friends, although we don't see each other much any more. The Girl and I ran into her a few months back. Happy Ending knew immediately this was different. She congratulated me, wished me well and has stayed away. Knowing the depth of her feelings, this was an amazingly kind and selfless act that I know I would never be capable of. She's an amazing person and has one of the purest hearts I know.
So, back to the story... In the fog of fear, I ignore my neighbor's advice, and call Happy Ending. I immediately regret doing this. She answers the phone, a moment of clarity sets in, we talk briefly and superficially. All I can talk about is the Girlfriend. I ask her to go to dinner with us next week. She sounds fine with it. We exchange goodbyes and hang-up.
My neighbor comes over to hang with me. I can't tell her that I've called Happy Ending because she'll open a can of whop-ass on me for being so stupid, so we just hang out. The Girlfriend calls and I break the news about my impending self-employment to her. She's completely unphased by the whole turn of events. She agrees that this is the right thing to do. She's incredibly supportive and full of confidence that everything will be fine. I tell her that I had a contingency plan, and I can here the confusion in her voice. She asks if she’d ever given me a reason to doubt her support, I reply “no.” And she really had never given me a reason to doubt her.
Filled with happiness, I forget that I contacted Happy Ending, until last night.
During our walk with the dog, I finally come clean about my contingency plan and explain that we may be going out to dinner with Happy Ending later this week. I can see in her eyes she’s disappointed in me for doubting her. She told me I was a loser, smiled at me and gave me the “you just got a pass” look. In a weird way,I think she understand why I do the things I do.
I always say, “Koog, it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them,” and I did learn a few valuable ones this time:
--It's ok to feel vulnerable and scared when dealing with matters of the heart
--Trust and faith in your significant other is essential
--Always listen to your Neighbor
--My Girlfriend is right, I am a loser
I will kick your ass if the "Happy Ending" is who I think it is!
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