konfessions of the Koog

When we were in the UK for a month in 2023, Mrs. Koog did all the driving. I will admit, she hit nothing and no one. She got us safely from London to Bath to North Wales to Liverpool and all over Scotland until we turned in our car in Edinburgh. And when we turned in that car, it was pristine. No dings, dents, scratches or bumps. As I have written in the past few entries my trip was magical and healing and all those things trips should be. With one exception, driving. I was nervous when I booked the trip that I would forget to stay to the left and cause an international incident on the M4. Apparently, staying to the left would not be the problem. No, my problem was staying too far to the left. For some reason, I completely lost my depth perception on the left (passenger side). This issue wasn’t a real problem on the motorway as there was a shoulder and every time I’d cross the line I was able to correct immediately. The drive from Heathrow to Conwy, Wales was uneventful until I go...

After a tough go these past few months, I am off on a short solo trip to find myself again. For some reason, I think I may be lost on a mountain in North Wales. Yes, it is a strange place for someone that hates to fly, has a fear of heights and hasn’t really loved the outdoors for the past say 50 years. I am a very, very, very fearful flyer. This trip was strangely different. Sure, it may be the meds but I had almost no anxiety about the flight. This calmness made me nervous. Poor Mrs. Koog had to listen to my nervous banter about being calm for an entire morning. Is this how normal people travel? I must have asked her this question 100 times in 100 different ways. I may have also asked in Spanish, German and Welsh. Anyway, I got to the airport and was able to use my charm, good looks and credit card to upgrade to first class for a couple hundred bucks. I don’t want to discount my charm and good looks, but it seemed the lady was mostly interested in the credit card. The Virgin At...

When Mrs. Koog got the breast cancer diagnosis, she decided her course of treatment would be double mastectomy with autologous reconstruction. Since they couldn't do the surgery in one procedure due to surgical suite availability for the duration of the ~20 hour surgery, it was done in 2 parts. Double mastectomy and implants for a while then the autologous reconstruction a few months later. While Mrs. Koog looked amazing with her new bubbies, they were aggressive. Like Real Housewives aggressive. That look is really not Mrs. K's jam. Plus, she had many nightmares of puncturing those babies while she did one of her less glamorous chores like chainsawing trees or digging ditches. Suffice it to say, she wanted them out and her own tissue in. The plastic surgeon she sees is amazing. And very handsome. And he looks like he is 14. Anyway, he could not stop admiring his handiwork at every appointment. It was almost creepy...almost. He was very honest about the surgery and the rec...

(Disclaimer: My thoughts are scattered these days. Trying to put together a coherent narrative is hard. Please be kind with any criticism of my rambling. These are my thoughts and feelings as I’m experiencing them in real-time.) I feel like I’m caught in a rip current of sadness and grief. It’s a funny thing, grief. It’s like an insidious wave of water just waiting to pull me from safety and stability. Lately, everything has become a trigger. EVERYTHING. Songs, leftovers in the fridge, memories, pictures, driving, soccer games, groceries…like I said, everything. We spent last weekend driving to and from upstate NY to return Momma-Koog home after watching the boys for us the prior weekend. I drove E-Koog, Mrs. Koog and Momma-Koog last Friday night. B-Koog, the newly minted Leader of his Scout Patrol, was at a Camporee last weekend. Anyway, we picked up E-Koog from school at lunchtime and got on the road for the 7 hour ride to the 518. About 25 miles into the drive, I bega...